Team discussions that don't include me.

Okay, so, in my conversation with Ricky last night about my relationship with the team, he informed that he has had thoughts about me being gay for awhile. Like, since I got on varsity. Even better, he wasn't the only one. I guess last season, and the year before that, guys have been talking about me being gay. Apparently, I "looked around" in the locker room. I personally find that hard to believe because I wouldn't do that. That's not how I roll.

Ricky also let me in to tell me all the people that talked about it: him, Tim, Tyler, Tyler F, Kyle, Paul, Billy, Tom, and Ben. So that's cool. Coincidentally, three out of these eight people told me not to worry about anything for this upcoming season. Which makes mes suspicious of everybody else.
When Ricky first told me I was...stunned. I literally froze. It was like I couldn't comprehend anything that just happened. I thought these people were my friends. Okay, not even all of them. But most of them. Like Tyler F- He was the first person to reestablish communications with me after the incident, and he was always the one to invite me to all the swim gatherings, Billy- Second person to talk to me about the incident, and he told me not to worry about this year. So, it makes me wonder who actually has my back. And Ricky, the one person that I know, or thought I knew, will always help me.

How I felt

I felt,hell I still feel, deceived, stupid, ignorant, and just overall...bad. I have been wondering all nigh why Ricky never told me this. I do not know why he didn't. Maybe it was to help me, maybe it was to protect me, I don't know. This is what kills me inside. Now I have to wonder if Ricky is truly one of my best friends. It feels ironic since I just wrote an entire post about how much I appreciate him and Nate.
Now I am still forced to decide to swim or not. I figure I have twenty days to decide if I am going. Granted, my buddy Sam is swimming, and we want to go through this together. So that will help in my decision.

This whole thing has just gone to show me, always have team discussions as a team.