Marriage

Every once in a while I think about marriage. Randomly it seems. I have very mixed feelings about the idea. Regardless of the fact that it is now legal in my state, I am still confuzzeled about my belief in marriage.

On one hand, I really want a wedding. I love them. The fun and excitement that come with them. Along with the reunions of people that occur. And the fact that you can invite pretty much anyone that has every meant anything to you. And they have to come regardless of how they feel about each other.

On the flip side, I am not really sure that I want to be a single entity, both legally and finanically, with someone else for the rest of my life. I am not completely confident that I can trust another person enough to make this commitment to them. I assume that the trust will build to the point where I will feel comforatble eventually. But still. It is not that I have commitment issues, it is also the idea that if I fall out of love with someone it will become a major legal issue and will effect the rest of my life.

It is just ALOT of commitment, and is obviosuly something that the should not be entered lightly.
Maybe someday, I will feel confident enough with another man to enter this commitment portal.

This one is to you...

I know it has been a while since I posted last but life has been weird. Part of my weirdness has been this guy that I ran into randomly,unexpectedly, at school. Anyways, we ended and I feel like I still need to tell him important things, so that is why I am writing this post.

To you bud:

I never meant to hurt you or cause you pain. I never meant to fuck up any relations you had with anyone. For those I am especially sorry. I don't believe you fully understand how much you meant,and still mean, to me. You were a very important part of my life. The happiness and hopefulness I felt when I was with you,even apart from you, was magical. It was something I had never felt before,ever. And I loved it. I loved every minute of everything that we had. I can't really describe how much I loved it,for words can't even start to reach the level that I felt. 

That is why it hurt me so much when you ended it. I can't even say that we did because I couldn't really do anything after except cry and sleep. Mostly cry though. It hurt me more than you could ever fix, more than I have ever been hurt before. Honestly, I knew that it was coming. Once you came back from orientation, you weren't the same, and I felt it. You seriously don't understand how much that week killed me. I am not one to normally let my negative emotions be seen to more than a few people, but this time everyone saw it. Much before it even clicked to me. And that is what sucked. Maybe the part that hurt me the most was that the entire time while we were sitting there by the lake, I was shelling out my heart, my thoughts; my emotions; my worries; even my deepest secrets that I never told anyone, not even my best friend; you said absolutely nothing. No hint of even the thought of ending it, yet I knew you had to have thought about it a while. I think that is what really killed me inside. The fact that you just stood there and watched me say it all,saying minimal  shit, hurt alot too. 

I know more about you than anyone. You might think I don't, but I do. I must have felt special to you had some point, I just don't know where, I mean hell, you went through alot just for me. And I will never forget that. You are very special to me, you will always be. You were honestly the first real guy that I ever loved. And that I ever felt safe with. And you know that. 
Here's somethings that you don't know about you, that I do know:

• You going away for college isn't going to change anything, honestly, it might make it worse.

• The man that you are today, even if it is different from who you were about 6 months ago, is...wonderful and extremely impressive.

• Honestly, I worry about you. Always. I hope you know that.

• You are far stronger than you will ever realize. You always have been. 

• There are lots of things that you can do that you never think you can, yet I know that you can.

• Although you may not be confident enough to do what you want to do, I know that you are actually very capable of handling anything that the world throws at, you already have been through alot.

• I know that you might not have been ready for a relationship right now, and that's okay dude. 

• Even if you are different, you are still super strong. 

• Oh, and you're clavicle is super sexy. 

• Also, I do know what you were telling people after we ended, yes I have ears everywhere. And although I should be extremely angry at you for that,like everyone thinks I should be. I can't. Because I know why you did what you did. Even though, I am not mad about it, it hurt me alot. 

I don't care what you do, I will always remember you as that guy that was perfect. I don't know if it'll come with time, but I still can't do alot of things because they remind me of us. Hell, I can't even listen to Yellowcard anymore, yet surprisingly your favourite artist has become one of mine, because he reminds me of the happiness I felt when I was with you; Yet, I can't listen your favourite song, so that still hurts. Just believe me when I say, that the effect that you have had on me is indescribable and life long. 

I will always love you and care about you. Always. 

I would say to call me or text me if you ever need anything,but honestly, I am still not sure what I would do if your name popped up on my phone. Also, I know that I still aren't ready to start doing all of my old things my old way because when I come home wasted, I always knock our picture over(yes it is still there, I haven't gotten up the balls to get rid of it yet; And that fact tells me that seeing it only makes me hurt, but that's life). 

Either way, here is my one last letter to you, one last letter of about a thousand. Ha. 

Maybe we'll talk later, I don't know. I just know that I had to tell you all of this.

Good luck.
Fair winds and following seas, my friend.

Man Love.

Recently, my good friend Sam used this picture in one of his posts:

Sam's post.

I love this picture, he does too. And not because it's two guys holding each other, well yeah sorta. It's because it shows that even the most manliest men love each other. We do. You may not want to admit it, but we all have cuddled with our dude friends regardless of sexual orientation of either party. I have. I have pretty much done this same exact "position" numerous times. Nate and I have cuddled numerous times. Not because he's gay but because we love each other. And we are always there when the other one needs some one to lean on...or sleep on. Either or. It's love...man love.

This picture hits me really hard. Verge of crying here. Because it reminds me of my brother and I. I am particullary sensitive about my him right now, he just flew off to fight in Korea. This is a wee bit off topic, but I am going with it. When it comes to my brother, I am really emotional. He is the only person on this entire planet that I am the most gentically identical to. He is my brother. My only brother. I love him. I am going to miss him. Whenever my brother gets restationed, I fall. I fall hard. Even when he gets moved internally. It takes a few days to hit me, but it will. And I will be crying like a 5 year old kid that couldn't get candy. Honestly, Nate is the only person that can at least attempt to help me once I fall. Usually, it involves a few sessions of cuddling/hugging *see first picture*. Anywho, I am sensitive when it comes to both my real brother, and my chosen brothers.

This is all forms of man love. Because guess what? I love all of my brothers...and I am not afraid to admit that. Love you guys, thank you.